i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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