I am puke
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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