Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
