Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
