I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
