I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
