i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
