you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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