My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
