Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
