You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
