theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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