So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
