I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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