My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
