I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
