we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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