I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
