haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
