chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
