Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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