so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
