I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
