I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
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