Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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