i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
