hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
