This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
