it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
