seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
