Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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