Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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