You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
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