i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
