how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
