I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Come see our sink grown plant.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
