Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
This baby is an asshole
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
