she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
