She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
