I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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