There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
