I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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