It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
