So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
