How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
