so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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