So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
