If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
