just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Randomize
