I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
