If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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