sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
